Moving On After a Break Up
Question:
For five years, my ex and I were always getting back together - a break-up to make-up kind of thing. Finally, I changed my cell and home phone numbers and asked him not to call. He likes playing on my emotions, so when his response was “I’ll try,” I decided to change my numbers. It’s been two weeks now and he hasn’t tried to contact me. In the past he would call me at work. Of course, I still think about him and have feelings for him, but I figure, time will heal a broken heart. How do you think he’s feeling? Will he give it time and try to call me. I’m moving on even though it’s hard. Any advice??
Advice:
First of all, congratulations on the decision to move on, change your numbers and ask him not to contact you any more. These are great first steps. Now, you need to go the distance. At this point, he isn’t playing with your feelings, you are! He is doing what you asked of him.
Reread your letter to me and listen to your mixed message: “I changed my number and asked him not to call, why hasn’t he called me?” It doesn’t make sense. He hasn’t called you BECAUSE you asked him not to, you changed your numbers to be sure he didn’t and he knows, just as you do, that the time has come to move on. He is trying to respect that. You need to do the same.
Rather than wondering what he is thinking and if he is going to call, focus your energy and attention on getting yourself whole/complete again. After being in a partnership for so long, we tend to think as a “we” or as a half instead of a whole. That is partly why you are wondering so much about what he is thinking and doing.
I once lived in a haunted house on Kauai and had a Kahuna come to cleanse the energy and, literally, “clear the air.” When the Kahuna left he said, “Do not think about the ghost in this house any more or you will invite it back.” That is a lot easier said than done, but it made sense. You need to do some sort of personal ritual to release this man from your energy. Otherwise, you will inadvertently invite him back into your life, which you know is not the right thing to do.
One ritual I have used successfully is to imagine a cord, like an umbilical cord, that goes from your heart to his. Visualize what it looks like. Is it thick or thin, long or short, shiny and silvery or rope-like? Just examine the cord that runs the energy between you. Then, when you are ready to become energetically self-sufficient, ceremonially cut the cord. Seal off the ends with the intent that you are are establishing self-sufficiency so that you are both whole beings, managing well on your own. The idea is not to isolate yourself from him, but to become complete without him so that you can be continued friends, if you so choose, without being sucked into a relationship that you both know is not serving you. (You may have to do this exercise repeatedly until the separation is complete.)
Another ritual you can do is much like a funeral of the relationship. Write a eulogy for it. Release the relationship, allow yourself time for mourning and healing and then move on. Much like the stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, you need to allow your heart the time to go through these stages. I make this sound simple and it may not be, but the reality is that this is the cycle of change and we all need to become consciously aware of the process and allow ourselves the time needed to go through it.
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Online Cheating: Real or Virtual?
Late last night — very late — I ran across an essay called Virtual Immorality, by George Topp. To summarize for those who don’t want to run off and read the essay, here is a synopsis: Seems that the author, a married man, found himself in a long-term online affair with someone met in a chat room. He never met her offline, but continues to indulge in hot sessions online and “illicit email.” The guilt feelings following one of these sessions resulted in the justifications that are detailed in the essay, which I will proceed to shamelessly quote with only minor apologies to George.
By the way, I’m not trying to pick on George in particular, even though I throw his name around pretty freely. These arguments are all familiar ones, used by males and females alike. From the least to the most convincing (roughly) the arguments are:
“All I’d done was follow the rules of good manners and replied to my incoming correspondence.”
Oh puh-leeeeze, George! Since when do unsolicited sexual advances, online or off, require any response other than “no thanks?” Most chat utilities have an “/ignore” feature that can be used on those persistent few who won’t accept a polite refusal gracefully.
“In an age of virtual morality, virtual philandering ought to be a normal part of life.”
Yeah, right!! Just like “actual” philandering ought to be a normal part of “actual” life??
“…cyberspace works like. . . an amplifier that inflates. . . idle chitchat into a hot binary screw.”
We’re not talking about “How’s the weather in Chicago,” here, George! Online, just as in person, friends of the opposite sex are one thing - lovers are quite another. A discussion of how to cook bagels does not have to turn into a description of how much you would like to lick the cream cheese off of. . . .
“Moreover, this on-line relationship has produced sufficient fantasy fuel to actually improve my marital sex life.”
This initial improvement seems to be a common phenomenon. It’s also called “increased horniness.” But it is generally only a matter of time before the “improvement” degenerates to “competition.” In-the-flesh sexual encounters have a hard time measuring up to the online variety, where you never have to stop and untangle clothing, smell a fart, or look at a zit. The results of continued exposure to this sort of “perfection” are twofold. First, you can expect to experience an increased impatience with the real spouse whose real flaws you have to live with. And second, interaction with your “perfect” online partner will lead to an emotional attachment to that partner. I have a very hard time imagining how these two effects, impatience with your spouse and emotional attachment to someone else, can do anything other than harm every aspect of your marriage.
“We’d never even touched. . . can you call that sex?”
Gee whiz, this guy ought to get together with Clinton. But this is the crux of the matter. Does it take actual penetration to constitute “cheating”? Let’s put forth a definition of “cheating” that I think is more valid than the overly narrow interpretation favored by the likes of George and Bill.
Cheating - n - Any sexual behavior, engaged in secretively with a person not one’s spouse, that would make the spouse feel betrayed if discovered.
I don’t think there’s any doubt that the behavior is sexual in nature. And it is not masturbation or pornography; there is another person involved. So the question becomes, would your spouse feel betrayed if (s)he found out? If the honest answer is “yes,” then you’re cheating. If you’re not sure what the answer is, why not ask the spouse in question? If you don’t want to ask, that’s an answer in itself, isn’t it? The very fact that you feel the need to sneak around and hide files should tell you something!
Bottom line to George and the other 3,232,531 married people online: I’m not your moral guardian, do what you want. Just don’t kid yourself with this sort of rationalizing bullshit! Online cheating can ruin your marriage just as surely as midnight rendezvous at the No-Tell Motel.
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