The Big Bad Lie in Online Relationships
If I had a penny for every lie I’ve heard and have experienced from the dysfunctional people out there online, I’d be rich - and you wonder why some people think online dating doesn’t work.
I was watching a really flash-n-trash talk show the other afternoon, a show I NEVER watch because it takes away from my computer time, and after watching the ludicrous people on there it dawned on me that there are many of us who have been lied to online. Ladies and gentlemen, there is a sisterhood and brotherhood of those of us who have been manipulated in online Space. Don’t despair–you are not alone!
Let’s take a glimpse at the lovely, happy couple who appeared on the show: we had the 20 something married couple with 2 kids from the Mid West. Hubby was involved online with Older Lady from Michigan who didn’t know he was married. Real-life wife reads in horror and shock the e-mails that hubby wrote to online lady–yeah, they had Lady from CA as the SURPRISE guest. (Lady from MI brought her loud mouthed, obnoxious friend–and WHY was she there? No reason but to act as mediator and chew out Jerko Hubby). The rub was that Hubby was going to meet Lady from Michigan at a MOTEL and gasp, he had even talked to her kids on the phone and gasp, told her the three little words, I love you!
Are you shocked? Was I shocked? NO WAY! This is the long-running scenario that happens time and time again with the Lying Freaks on the Net. They may have a few different twists and turns but unfortunately the end result is the same: someone always gets hurt.
You say, “But, it’s only online SPACE!! No one takes these online relationships seriously.” Ahhh, gather ’round closer, my online pals, and let’s take a look at the common excuses as to why the BIG BAD LIE was told (these are actual quotes that have been told to me and my other friends online):
“Yes, I’m married but my marriage is on the rocks and we’re getting a divorce.” (Translation: I’m married and will remain married and never plan to divorce my wife because I have a stylin’ house in the ‘burbs and my wife would take me for everything I’m worth and my BMW would get impounded, and there goes the summer house in the Poconos, and then there’s my boat…..)
“Ah, my boyfriend(girlfriend) and I are having problems.” (Translation: I am not having sex now and I need your online bod now!! )
“I lied to you about my true identity and my name really isn’t (so and so) and the fact that I have a live in girlfriend is of no consequence, because for all intent and purposes, I am single.” (Translation: I’m a long-winded grad student who is utilizing the art of his B.S. (as in Bull**** not his degree) for the sake of hot online sex and cannot think of a better excuse because I used all my other lines on the dippy, nubile co-ed I tutor, who also lies to her real time boyfriend about her online lover and the vicious cycle goes on and on….).
“I love you and I never meant to hurt you.” (Translation: for both men and women–Come on, baby, just call me and let’s have phone sex . . . come ‘on you know you want me . . . your online loins are aching for some one on one voice! Use that phone card number I sent you — just do it, babe!)
“I have never wanted you more in my entire Life than I want you right now!” (Translation: I’m incredibly excited by your online moans and groans, and this is the most action I’ve gotten since my ex-wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend dumped me on my sorry butt!)
“I am going through some rough times in my life and I could use a friend.” (Translation: I’m not getting any lovin’ at home)
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Keep Dating Safe Online and Off
We’ve all heard stories in the news about the dangers of dating online and many dating sites are touting safety as part of their allure. While media often wants to blame the Internet when a tragedy happens between two people who met online, if the same tragedy were to happen between two people who met in person they would never blame the church or the school where they met. Ultimately it isn’t where we meet that is the problem, it is the amount of wisdom we use once we have encountered each other.
The good thing about these media stories is that they have raised our awareness about dating safety issues online and off. We have learned from online dating that there are some behaviors that are wiser than others. While the huge majority of people dating are normal, nice people looking for a sweetheart just like you are, there are a few who are not. A little conscious care can make your dating experiences much more enjoyable!
Safe dating requires that you use your head, take your time and pay attention! While these guidelines are written to keep you safe in the online dating arena, they apply equally well to face-to-face meetings.
- Keep Private Information to Yourself
Keep private information about yourself confidential until after you have met and are confident that the other person is someone to whom you want to tell personal details. Withhold specific information that could lead the other person to you physically. Be aware that this kind of information can accidentally be revealed over the course of time maybe in one email you share the town you live in. In another email you share the name of the company you work for, followed by another email with the specific job you hold at that company. Over the course of several emails, the other person knows a lot about you. Think ahead about which information you don’t want to share and be careful not to share even parts of it at a time. - Use On-site Messaging Services
Keep your personal phone number or email private use your on-site email and phone services. There are plenty of porn and other spamming businesses that would like nothing more than to get your personal email so they can start sending you propaganda. If a person asks you for your email, especially without responding to anything that you have said personally, dont give it out! You have a mailbox and address on the site specifically to protect your personal email from this kind of unethical behavior. While giving out an unlisted phone number may seem reasonable, you need to be sure that your number isnt listed on reverse search features on the Internet. Try typing your phone number into the search field on various servers and see what comes up. In some cases, not only will your name and address pop up, but also a map to your house! If you want to hear the other persons voice, use the phone service on the site. - Ask to see more pictures
We all have a multitude of pictures of ourselves. Ask to see several pictures in order to see a wider variety than a glamour shot. Also, if someone is posting a picture of someone else they will have a hard time producing several pictures of the wrong person (unless they are using a personal friend or family members picture.) - Ask Questions
Ask questions and watch for consistency and inconsistency. Someone who is deceptive will often trip over their own lies with inconsistencies. Pay attention to what they have told you. Ask different questions about the same topic over the course of a few emails. Watch for little red flags or comments that cause you to question the wisdom of meeting in person. - Don’t Forget - They’re Still a Stranger!
Remember, until you meet, you are still strangers. Keep in mind that while it may seem like you know someone you’ve been talking with online it may even seem like you know him/her better than anyone you’ve ever met you truly don’t know them until you’ve spent some time together. Use the Internet to establish that you want to meet not that you want to get married! - Become a Paid Member
Being a paid member flags to other people that you are serious about finding love. Due to the paper trail, married people posing as single and teenagers pretending to be adults are less likely to be paid members and creepy people are less likely to pay to be creepy when they can do it for free. In addition, being a premium member allows you to start off by asking important questions and initiating stimulating conversations. - Meet Safely and Wisely
When you meet in person which whenever possible I recommend you do within the first few weeks to a month of dialoging do so in a public place, during the daytime. Tell a friend where you are going and what you know about who you are meeting with. - Be Responsible for Your Own Transportation and Finances
While it is always nice if someone pays for your coffee, drink or dinner, it should not be expected especially on a first meeting before you even know whether your meeting is a date or not. While it may seem like a normal date to get in the other persons car to travel together, refrain from doing so until you have met and have had time to assess your comfort. - Trust Your Intuition
We have an amazing ability to perceive. If you feel like something isn’t right, pay attention. If you feel in your gut that everything is okay, pay attention to that, too.
While all this talk of safety may seem intimidating, it is really just common sense for any dating situation. We all know people who have met their sweet hearts online, so use your head as you safely follow your heart to love.
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